As many of us know, all lesbians conform to a specific set of rules and regulations on everything from dress code to sexual activity to emotions, rules that were not taught in secondary school. In the interest of helping society, I’ve decided to make those rules public. Take them out of the closet, if you will.
Dress Code (Unless The Lesbian Is A Femme)
Appropriate footwear: Birkenstocks, Doc Martens or sports sandals. Socks are never optional.
Make-up: not allowed.
Undergarments: Bras are frowned upon.
Appropriate tops: polo tops, check shirts and Polar fleece.
Appropriate bottoms: jeans, cords, jean shorts or walking shorts.
“Hygiene”: Shaving of armpits or legs is frowned upon.
Accessories may include: definitely NO handbags; carabiners; keys at your belt.
Appropriate cars: Saabs, pickup trucks,Jeep Wranglers, Mini Coopers and Volvos.
Pop cultural influences: Melissa Etheridge; Ani DiFranco; Indigo Girls; and The L Word. No exceptions.
Pets: At least one cat, and preferably more.
Food: Vegetarians preferred
Partner choices: Recruiting straight women preferred.
Career choices: P.E. teacher; mechanic; and professional golfer.
History: Must have been abused.
Oedipal Complex: Hatred of fathers, except when they over-identify with them.
Childhood Obsessions: Monkeys as pets.
Adult Obsessions: Hating men.
Penis Envy: Yes.
Child lust: No.
Sex & Relationships
Onset of lesbianism: High School.
Conversion: Lesbians can be converted with one internal application of human penis.
Madonna/Whore Complex: Many are technically virgins, because they’ve never gotten down with a guy.
Roles: Every lesbian relationship has a butch and a femme.
Timing: Lesbians move in together on the second date.
Sex: Once two lesbians move in together, they will never have sex again.
Break Ups: Bunny boiling provides the maximum drama all lesbians require.
Okay Your Turn
There are so many more. What lesbian stereotypes am I missing?